Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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