I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize