why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
