I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Green mimosas i think yes
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
