The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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