looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
