Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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