Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I would fuck him just for his dog
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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