well I can't set my house on fire every night
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
