he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
