i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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