Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
