Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
