I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
