life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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