Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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