I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
