i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
