I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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