You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
