i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
