I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
