Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
