Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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