my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
