Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize