So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
