I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
