I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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