he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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