I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
