New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
try to milk me bitch
Randomize