Already got asked if we're dating
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
