I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
