Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
