I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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