I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
