i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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