dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize