I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
