Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
smell my finger.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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