she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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