if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize