I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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