Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
