There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
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