i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
