My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
