my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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