I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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