OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
