Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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