So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
