What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
