I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
