paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Everything about him screamed your future.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
