Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
