Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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