Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
i out mim tonsoeep
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