I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Sober January is a disaster.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
