Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
