She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
