I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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